The Marriage Mulligan

Wouldn't that be nice??  Remember as kids the "do-over"?  or even as adults in a friendly game?  when you have obviously just f'd it up so badly that your friends look at you and say, "um, wow - that was bad!  you want to just back up and take another swing at that?"  No harm, no foul.  Everyone just carries on like it never happened.  Wouldn't it be great if divorce was like that?  Especially in my case where both people are unhappy.  Neither is 100% right or 100% wrong.  There's no culminating event that leads to the divorce - no abuse, no cheating (or at least, in my case, by the time there was cheating, I really didn't care - i was just glad it wasn't my "job" anymore if you know what i mean).  How much better would it be if you could both look at each other and say, "mulligan!!  We took our best shot but we managed to land it in the mud. We deserve an opportunity to redeem ourselves - a second chance to be happy.  No harm, no foul." Shake hands and walk away(good game).  Too bad that only happens in a friendly game...

Is there a problem?

I came across this text message on my son's phone... let me take a minute here. Some of you might be thinking “this guy sure does go through his son's phone a lot”. Let me explain, I am a Pediatric nurse and I have 4 children, 3 biological and 1 stepdaughter. My oldest son died 8 years ago, so I have been told I am a little overbearing at times especially when it comes to my two girls ages 10 and 12. All of the children have either cell phones or I-touch's and e-mail accounts. The world is filled with sick and twisted people, so when I check their e-mails or see who's texting whom it is not because I am looking to catch  the kids doing something wrong, I'm just a worried father trying to keep the freaks away. 

Ok, back to the text message. My son was dropped off to us by his mom for the week, when he came through the door he was very social and interactive. He actually sat in the living room and watched tv with my wife and me – talking and laughing. I understand at 14 it's hit or miss when it comes to wanting to be around your parents.  My attitude lately is I'll take whatever time I get and run with it. That’s all any parent really wants is time with their children, some just use unnecessary measures to get it (and I’m the crazy one). Bedtime came and my son's phone was left downstairs to charge for the night.  That's when I saw the text. "Just for the record I wish u cld be here all the time. I hate having to take u there when it makes u so unhappy! I love you son"

I feel like a broken record but feel free to visit the frequently mentioned link http://www.helpguide.org/mental/coparenting_shared_parenting_divorce.htm  I'll save you a trip this time. A quote...

Dealing with visitation refusal

Sometimes kids refuse to leave one parent to be with the other. Although this can be a difficult situation, it is also common for children in joint custody.

§  Find the cause. The problem may be one that is easy to resolve, like paying more attention to your child, making a change in discipline style, or having more toys or other entertainment. Or it may be that an emotional reason is at hand, such as conflict or misunderstanding. Talk to your child about his or her refusal.

§  Go with the flow. Whether you have detected the reason for the refusal or not, try to give your child the space and time that he or she obviously needs. It may have nothing to do with you at all. And take heart: most cases of visitation refusal are temporary.

§  Talk to your ex. A heart-to-heart with your ex about the refusal may be challenging and emotional, but can help you figure out what the problem is. Try to be sensitive and understanding to your ex as you discuss this touchy subject. 

Let us remember this link was sent to me by my ex. My son may not be refusing to go, but it sure sounds like there is a problem. I guess it is easier to fan a fire than to try and put it out. There have been several other occasions via e-mail from my ex (which I'm sure you'll see as the saga continues) I have been told that my son does not want to be at my house. This is what I struggle with, do I approach my son and talk to him about this? 90% of the time he is just a normal moody 14 year old boy, the other 10% he is just a normal (manipulated by his mother) 14 year old boy who knows how "badly" I treat his mother, so I'm not sure how open and honest (and comfortable for that matter) he will be. Do I ask my ex if she is aware of a problem? I have already been told "just because the children are at your house doesn't mean you are involved with them" so I'm not really surprised that I am not aware of an issue, I guess? (and I’m the crazy one). This whole situation sucks, for me and especially the children. I have said over and over again, There is no winner here, every parent has a right to be given the chance to have a healthy relationship with their children. What you do with that chance is up to you, the success of that relationship should never hinge on the influence of the other parent.   

The Bait and Switch

I just never saw it coming, like a charlie horse one minute you're fine the next you're on the floor holding your leg saying WTF was that. I do my best to keep the children out of the middle and when  I do that I magically become above the law. The harder I try to reason with insanity the more I become the unreasonable bastard. This story is very troubling to me, because this is when I realized that my ex was talking trash about me to my son. When you get divorced both parties promise they will never speak ill of each other to the children, that's what happened in my case. As the years and disagreements carry on you suspect that trash talking is going on but you just can't prove it. Thinking it is happening is one thing but actually seeing the words, well that just hurts.

It was New Year's Eve, a Friday night. My ex was on her way back from vacation with her boyfriend (or the soon to be blogger of his crazy ex) and I had to work the next day. I was informed by my ex via text message that her flight landed at 7am Saturday morning and my son told her he wanted her to come by as soon as she got off the plane to pick him and his sister up from my house.  I responded lets just let the kids sleep in and [my wife - a.k.a. "they're my children not hers"] will just bring them to you between 10-11. My Ex responded Ok that sounds good, see you then.

That night I put my son to bed, like I do every night and I explained that there is no reason for them to wake up at dark thirty in the morning, just sleep in and [my wife] will take you and your sister to mom's around 11ish after an appointment she had. My son responded "Ok that's fine, good night."

Silly me, I thought that was the end of it, for once an agreement between my ex and me. I almost wanted to mark the day on the calendar, but alas my joy was short lived (and pretty naive). I understand that the decisions I make will not always be liked by my children, I am not always going to be on their top ten list, at least if I'm doing my job correctly. My son starts to text his mother about- "This is so stupid, dad is not even going to be here, why can't you just come pick us up." His mother's response was (this is the one that hurt) "Well I will call him when I get off the plane and see if he has changed his mind, your dad's just trying to punish me for some reason. I love you!!"

So after that comment, I finally understood why I would frequently get nasty looks and not a word spoken when I would see my son (no more chalking it up to being a moody teenager). I have not said anything about this to him because what am I going to say, your mother is lying? I don't want to get into a totally inappropriate pissing contest with my ex on who turns the kids against whom. It really does not need to be this way.  That was the first time I truly identified the alienation for what it was.  And from that day on I have watched it take hold and take off.

Throwing in the towel

I'm done, I'm tired and it just isn't worth it, take the kids and I'll send a check every month. That's all she really wants anyway. 

So many mornings after a day of exchanging e-mails, receiving tongue lashings and somehow finding myself looking like the crazy ex for trying to reason with insanity, I just feel like giving up. I miss my son, I so whole heartedly want him to look at me the way I look at my father. I want him to be proud of his father, to be just like his dad, to want to spend time with his dad. I remember before my older son died how much the two of them would smile and laugh, how they were just two happy little boys. They would be waiting in the driveway for me to get home from work, nothing feels better to a parent than the feeling you get when you see the joy your mere presence brings your children.

In an instant that was all gone, my surviving son,that happy and joyful little boy, gone. My whole life changed the morning my son died. For years I let my ex wife just have her way because it was easier on the children. I just did not want to argue about or put the kids in the middle. It was much easier to say yes than deal with the fallout of saying no. 

I had a run of very tough days dealing with my ex, e-mails and texting back and forth, getting dirty looks and the cold shoulder from the children. Being told that I have to pay child support per the agreement, but when it comes to her paying there is nothing I can do to make that happen, you'll get it when and if you get it. I was just done, ready to throw in the towel. As my wife and I sat out back and I started to settle in to my pity party my wife said, I know it's tough and you want to give up but you can't. Although we can only imagine what is being said to the kids, you may think (and they may be led to believe) they don't want to be here. There will come a day when they realize what has happened, and what they were told. When that day comes and they come up to you and ask why? Why did you give up on us, why didn't you do everything you could? Why didn't you fight for us? What would I say if I threw in the towel now? I realized at that very moment that as tough as it gets and as painful as this is to watch for me, I need to stand my ground, set boundaries and just make sure the children know that I am always here for them and that I love them, no matter what. I realize that I should not alter or adapt my behavior to fit her rules.  I have to do what I, as a father, believe is right for my children.  That is all we can do, we can't fight the jaded ex because when we do, inevitably we end up doing and acting the same way they do and putting the kids in the middle and while trying to defend ourselves to the kids, to them we are just putting the other parent down. There are nights when I go to sleep with a broken heart, missing the relationship I long for with the kids, but tomorrow is another day, chin up. Sometimes I just have to believe that the day will come when the kids realize and somehow we can try and make up for lost time.

Just Plain Different

Just Plain Different- 


We all have different ways of parenting, I would like to be able to say no one way is better, they are all just different but I think if we stop worrying about hurting someone's feelings, we all know that some parenting styles are just plain wrong. As a couple we seem to find a way to adapt and are able to take two different styles and make them one unit. I have learned that as the marriage deteriorates so does the ability to parent as one unit. We as divorced parents have to find a way to put our differences aside and remember we are trying to raise children here. Once again please refer to a link that was sent to me. http://www.helpguide.org/mental/coparenting_shared_parenting_divorce.htm I'm seeing a pattern with this link, are you? 

Setting the other parent up to fail, a concept I never knew existed. I'm here to tell you, it sure as hell does.  I just never see it coming. Example - Facebook. I was sent an e-mail from my ex asking me if I would have a problem with [son] having a facebook account.  My opinion (which I have since figured out is worth about as much as a wooden nickel) was and still remains, our 13yr old (now 14) has a cell phone with texting, an e-mail account, and is surround by friends from school in the neighborhood.  That, to me, seems like sufficient opportunity to socialize.  I am pretty sure everyone is familiar with how Facebook works, so when I friend you, you now have access to all of my friends' pages. So all the adult f-bombs and drunken nightclub pictures are free game for our son to see (and emulate). Now my head is not in a hole in the ground (it has been said to be up my ass many times), I am sure some pretty nasty words are thrown around at school. If I can limit the exposure to inappropriate behavior and words that our son comes in contact with, then that's what I'm going to do whether he likes it or not, sorry.

The response I received was- 
I have told our son all a long I was fine with him having a Facebook account, but I had to ask you first. 

And there it is, one of many- mommy says it's ok but dad says no, sorry (I'm the cool parent but you know your father!). We as parents (together or not) must learn to talk and agree with each other before approaching the children (unless you're trying to set the other parent up to fail).  A follow-up to that story at a later date...

Monkey in the Middle

Let me refer back to a link I was sent http://www.helpguide.org/mental/coparenting_shared_parenting_divorce.htm

Putting the children in the middle, something that is very hard not to do when you are divorced. One problem I have always struggled with is how to set boundaries with my ex without the children suffering. For years I let her walk all over me. She has a special talent for being able to set up a situation where she is asking for something on the kids’ behalf, or flat out has the kids ask, so if  I respond with  a no the children are the ones to go without. A perfect example - contact lenses.

My ex and I have joint physical custody, and I am told by a family law attorney that all the children's expenses (within reason) are to be split. Now let me just state I do not look for her to pay for half of the clothes I buy or food I feed them, but medical expenses, school related supplies and expenses and extra-curricular activities - I see no reason why those types of items should not be shared. For a few years now my son has been wearing contacts, I finally grew tired of buying new glasses after the 3rd pair was “accidentally” broken at mom’s house over the weekend and just went the contact route (my ex-wife’s suggestion, lobbying on behalf of our son). On the advice of the optometrist, we went with daily, disposable contact lenses (not cheap, but recommended for kids to avoid infection, etc from not properly cleaning the reusable ones).  On the days that she would pick the children up after work for "her time" with the kids, my son will rifle through the bathroom and take a supply of contacts with him to mom’s. If he ran short over the weekend, no problem they would just come to Dad’s drug store and he would just come in the house and get more while mom sits in the car and waits. One morning (this was the straw that broke the camel’s back) my son stayed home from school and my ex drove my daughter to school (which BTW is 3 tenths of a mile from my house, i've walked it many times), my daughter comes in and says mom sent me in to get contacts for [her brother]. What am I supposed to say, No? How does that make me look to my daughter? 

So after about three and a half years (partly my fault for letting it go on that long but I didn’t want the kids to see me as the bastard she says I am) of not helping out with the expense of the contacts and repeated, unannounced visits on the weekends by the children walking through the door saying "I just need to get some contacts",  I sent an e-mail to my ex and it goes a little something like this...

To my ex,

I just wanted to give you the information for the eye doctor and let you know that I will no longer be supplying contacts for your house.   They typically have them in stock so you shouldn't have any trouble getting them before this weekend.  Please do not send either of the children in to get contacts from our house.

Insert eye doctor address and contact info here.

Thank you,

From me

Now I know that is a little curt but what choice do I have? I am trying to take the children out of the middle (see link above sent to me by my ex) and following the advice of a professional family counselor to set boundaries – go straight to the point and be done – do not respond to all of the other b.s. Knowing full well I am going to pay for this(in more ways than one) I awaited her response and boy o boy, ghost writer was on their game. Remember my first blog the introduction? well this is were the batsh!t crazy comes in, please tell me if I'm wrong. Her response...

To me,

In regards to (sons name) and your decree that you will no longer provide him with contacts when he is in my home, I am a little confused.  If memory serves me correctly the last time you submitted a request for my portion of his contact costs I readily provided you with payment.  I am aware that you have not cashed the check I provided you, but that is not for lack of me giving it to you.  It concerns me that you continue to put your son in the middle of these things and have little or no concern for how it affects him.  Especially when I am more than compliant with your requests and have therefore invested in the contacts you are refusing to give him.

That being said I contacted his optometrists office and checked the availability of his prescription as you requested.  Despite your claim that they are readily available,  they are not.  They currently only have one prescription available for him and as I am sure you know he requires a different prescription for each eye.  If you could find it within yourself to provide your son with contacts to last him through this weekend I am sure he would greatly appreciate it.  Beyond this weekend I will ensure that I have contacts at my home available for him.  Please let me know at your earliest convenience whether or not you are willing to provide him with contacts through the weekend so that I am prepared to handle his discontent on my end should you not.  

Thank you

From my ex

Now lets review her claims for just a minute, the claim that she paid is correct but the amount was not. After a year and two months of me providing her with a monthly breakdown of the “shared” expenses along with receipts (per her request), and with a custody hearing a little more than a month away she finally decided to pay for some of the expenses. The list of expenses is not important (they all fall into the categories of medical, school and extra-curriculars agreed to by both parents) but what she did actually pay for was $200.00 out of  the $1,100 that had accumulated. Not sure how she came up with what she was or was not going to pay for but that is what I received.  On the advice of my attorney, I did not cash that check because it is not the full amount and I will bring that to court and let her explain that to the judge. My "claim" that the contacts being readily available was correct, I made sure to ask the doctor before I stated that, they just happened to be out of stock(my luck of course) of one prescription. By sending this "decree" i am trying to take the children out of the middle, I often wonder how it must feel as a child being told by one parent to go into the other parent’s house for the sole purpose of getting something and then leaving.

As far as I am concerned the children should not be made aware of who is paying for what, all my son should know is that no matter where he is, he has contacts. So if he shows any "discontent" it is because he has been told by his mother that I have "refused to give him contacts to take to his mother’s and she has no money and can’t afford to blah blah blah ." Please refer once again to the link above that was sent to me. I will leave you today with yet another picture text sent from my ex to her son...

Not Bashing

I freely admit that I am imperfect - as a man, as a father and definitely as an ex-husband.  I have made plenty of mistakes, some of them more than once.  I am painfully aware that there are at least two sides to every story.  And I have learned over the years that you must consider the source when receiving information.  But for those of you who assume that I am just the bitter ex and that I must have taken some liberties or dramatic license with these stories, let me tell you that despite the sometimes jaded opinions that I express here,  anything I have stated as fact is 100% true and, in most cases, can be backed up by emails, text messages and pictures.  These stories are what I am dealing with on a daily basis - they are not just my perception of reality.  Trust me, I wish more than anyone that I was making this stuff up.  My daily saga aside, no child should ever be made to choose between parents (or unconsciously have their mind made up for them).

Excessive

Just so we all understand-

     Excessive -|ikˈsesiv|- adjective

    more than is necessary, normal, or desirable; immoderate : she makes excessive amounts of phone calls and texts.. 
    My ex went to Florida with her latest {financial backer} I mean boyfriend. While on vacation with my family I noticed my son repeatedly checking his phone one day, secretly  leaving the room and when asked where he went upon returning he would answer nowhere. I checked his phone and found about 13 text messages from his mom.   "whatcha doin?" he'll respond "nothing" and mom will say "well that sounds like fun".  Then she would follow that with "what kind of souvenir do you want from the beach?"  The ex went to the aquarium and sent about 5 pictures to my son of fish! That's right I said fish.  "Look at this one he looks like Nemo and this one looks like Dory, (just so you know this woman is just shy of 40 years old). God forbid my son does not pick the phone up when his mother calls. That evening we were all outside (I left my phone in the house because I don't keep it up my ass, i've tried - it's an iphone, it's smart but also big), when we came back in I picked up my phone and had missed 3 phone calls and 2 texts "could you have the kids call me please" (at least I get a please). I then checked my son's phone and saw 2 missed phone calls from his mother and 2 texts "call your mother". Mind you, my son does keep his phone up his ass (as any 14 year old does) so why did he ignore her calls? All I ask for is a little respect for the time I spend with my family. When the children are with their mother over the weekend I don't call, I feel I can go two days without talking to them. If they need something they have my number, they can call me. I try and give my ex time with the kids, and them time with her, without interjecting. My children know that I love them, they don't need me to tell them 15 times a day. When I don't call I am told "you don't love your children enough to call? they have told me it hurts their feelings when you don't call All weekend" (48 hours, really? come on). This is not the first time she has done this with the phone calls and texts, this happens every week if not every day.  We actually got rid of our house phone because we had to unplug it every day just to be able to sit down and have dinner in peace.
    At this point I don't want to call her back because I am so pissed that I don't get a moment’s peace, but that would be putting my feelings for her first instead of putting the kids first. Also if I don't have them call her I, as well as the children (I'm sure), are told that I withhold them from her by not allowing her to speak with them. It's as if she won't allow the children to have any fun or enjoy themselves without her{they might forget they have a mother}Like I have, said she is good (or at least relentless). And for those of you who read last night’s post I have not forgotten about the daily picture. This one is kind of fitting...

  
    
     

WTP (Why The Pictures)

I came across this picture along with about 40 or so other similar ones on my son's phone the other day, at first I did not know what to make of them. Then I realized what they were, in an earlier post I mentioned Alienation and it's many different forms. Well this is yet another form (this woman is resourceful), picture texting. First of all, WTF , from a mother to her 14 year old son.  I know right now your thinking come on it's only one picture, I will be more than happy to post one a day for the next month and then you can get back to me with your thoughts. I don't know what else to say, the picture speaks for itself. See you tomorrow with another gem.  

Enjoy?

Reasons

There is a reason for everything, that is what somebody once told me as I watched my oldest child fight and eventually lose his life to cancer. I asked my self why, what is the reason for taking the life of an 8 year old, What good can come of that? until you are able to step back and remove yourself from the situation you will never understand. Finally after years of wondering one day I realized why, I had made a huge career change and am now helping children and parents through similar situations and through all this found the most beautiful, caring, compassionate, simply amazing woman who has become my wife and soul mate, when I look at her there is no more pain, only happiness(thanks mom). There are two kinds of loss, when someone you love dies and when someone you created a family with tries to take whats left of your family away. As a father when you lose a child the pain you feel just can not be put into words, but when you look at your wife who carried that child for 9 months, who's body nurtured it and protected it, some how the pain goes a little deeper. Then as you look at your other children, who all of a sudden lose their "place" in the family and really have no idea how to deal, that is the exact moment in time you feel your heart break. So I ask, how can someone manipulate, lie and deliberately try to alienate their children from their ex. How can they do that to their children, because one day after many years and counseling sessions they are going to realize what has gone on, and that to me is just more unnecessary pain for the children to deal with. They know what it feels like to lose a child, the never ending daily emptiness, the part of you that never seems to come back. I think that is what is so hard for me to swallow.  Like I have said, it is a long process and when you realize what is happening and what very little you can do about it that feeling of loss is just as deep. I now understand the reason for my son losing his life to cancer(I do not like it, but I understand), but I am not sure I will ever understand the reason for what is happening now. I just want to enjoy life with my family, can't we all just get along?