Is there a problem?

I came across this text message on my son's phone... let me take a minute here. Some of you might be thinking “this guy sure does go through his son's phone a lot”. Let me explain, I am a Pediatric nurse and I have 4 children, 3 biological and 1 stepdaughter. My oldest son died 8 years ago, so I have been told I am a little overbearing at times especially when it comes to my two girls ages 10 and 12. All of the children have either cell phones or I-touch's and e-mail accounts. The world is filled with sick and twisted people, so when I check their e-mails or see who's texting whom it is not because I am looking to catch  the kids doing something wrong, I'm just a worried father trying to keep the freaks away. 

Ok, back to the text message. My son was dropped off to us by his mom for the week, when he came through the door he was very social and interactive. He actually sat in the living room and watched tv with my wife and me – talking and laughing. I understand at 14 it's hit or miss when it comes to wanting to be around your parents.  My attitude lately is I'll take whatever time I get and run with it. That’s all any parent really wants is time with their children, some just use unnecessary measures to get it (and I’m the crazy one). Bedtime came and my son's phone was left downstairs to charge for the night.  That's when I saw the text. "Just for the record I wish u cld be here all the time. I hate having to take u there when it makes u so unhappy! I love you son"

I feel like a broken record but feel free to visit the frequently mentioned link http://www.helpguide.org/mental/coparenting_shared_parenting_divorce.htm  I'll save you a trip this time. A quote...

Dealing with visitation refusal

Sometimes kids refuse to leave one parent to be with the other. Although this can be a difficult situation, it is also common for children in joint custody.

§  Find the cause. The problem may be one that is easy to resolve, like paying more attention to your child, making a change in discipline style, or having more toys or other entertainment. Or it may be that an emotional reason is at hand, such as conflict or misunderstanding. Talk to your child about his or her refusal.

§  Go with the flow. Whether you have detected the reason for the refusal or not, try to give your child the space and time that he or she obviously needs. It may have nothing to do with you at all. And take heart: most cases of visitation refusal are temporary.

§  Talk to your ex. A heart-to-heart with your ex about the refusal may be challenging and emotional, but can help you figure out what the problem is. Try to be sensitive and understanding to your ex as you discuss this touchy subject. 

Let us remember this link was sent to me by my ex. My son may not be refusing to go, but it sure sounds like there is a problem. I guess it is easier to fan a fire than to try and put it out. There have been several other occasions via e-mail from my ex (which I'm sure you'll see as the saga continues) I have been told that my son does not want to be at my house. This is what I struggle with, do I approach my son and talk to him about this? 90% of the time he is just a normal moody 14 year old boy, the other 10% he is just a normal (manipulated by his mother) 14 year old boy who knows how "badly" I treat his mother, so I'm not sure how open and honest (and comfortable for that matter) he will be. Do I ask my ex if she is aware of a problem? I have already been told "just because the children are at your house doesn't mean you are involved with them" so I'm not really surprised that I am not aware of an issue, I guess? (and I’m the crazy one). This whole situation sucks, for me and especially the children. I have said over and over again, There is no winner here, every parent has a right to be given the chance to have a healthy relationship with their children. What you do with that chance is up to you, the success of that relationship should never hinge on the influence of the other parent.