Throwing in the towel

I'm done, I'm tired and it just isn't worth it, take the kids and I'll send a check every month. That's all she really wants anyway. 

So many mornings after a day of exchanging e-mails, receiving tongue lashings and somehow finding myself looking like the crazy ex for trying to reason with insanity, I just feel like giving up. I miss my son, I so whole heartedly want him to look at me the way I look at my father. I want him to be proud of his father, to be just like his dad, to want to spend time with his dad. I remember before my older son died how much the two of them would smile and laugh, how they were just two happy little boys. They would be waiting in the driveway for me to get home from work, nothing feels better to a parent than the feeling you get when you see the joy your mere presence brings your children.

In an instant that was all gone, my surviving son,that happy and joyful little boy, gone. My whole life changed the morning my son died. For years I let my ex wife just have her way because it was easier on the children. I just did not want to argue about or put the kids in the middle. It was much easier to say yes than deal with the fallout of saying no. 

I had a run of very tough days dealing with my ex, e-mails and texting back and forth, getting dirty looks and the cold shoulder from the children. Being told that I have to pay child support per the agreement, but when it comes to her paying there is nothing I can do to make that happen, you'll get it when and if you get it. I was just done, ready to throw in the towel. As my wife and I sat out back and I started to settle in to my pity party my wife said, I know it's tough and you want to give up but you can't. Although we can only imagine what is being said to the kids, you may think (and they may be led to believe) they don't want to be here. There will come a day when they realize what has happened, and what they were told. When that day comes and they come up to you and ask why? Why did you give up on us, why didn't you do everything you could? Why didn't you fight for us? What would I say if I threw in the towel now? I realized at that very moment that as tough as it gets and as painful as this is to watch for me, I need to stand my ground, set boundaries and just make sure the children know that I am always here for them and that I love them, no matter what. I realize that I should not alter or adapt my behavior to fit her rules.  I have to do what I, as a father, believe is right for my children.  That is all we can do, we can't fight the jaded ex because when we do, inevitably we end up doing and acting the same way they do and putting the kids in the middle and while trying to defend ourselves to the kids, to them we are just putting the other parent down. There are nights when I go to sleep with a broken heart, missing the relationship I long for with the kids, but tomorrow is another day, chin up. Sometimes I just have to believe that the day will come when the kids realize and somehow we can try and make up for lost time.