Monkey in the Middle

Let me refer back to a link I was sent http://www.helpguide.org/mental/coparenting_shared_parenting_divorce.htm

Putting the children in the middle, something that is very hard not to do when you are divorced. One problem I have always struggled with is how to set boundaries with my ex without the children suffering. For years I let her walk all over me. She has a special talent for being able to set up a situation where she is asking for something on the kids’ behalf, or flat out has the kids ask, so if  I respond with  a no the children are the ones to go without. A perfect example - contact lenses.

My ex and I have joint physical custody, and I am told by a family law attorney that all the children's expenses (within reason) are to be split. Now let me just state I do not look for her to pay for half of the clothes I buy or food I feed them, but medical expenses, school related supplies and expenses and extra-curricular activities - I see no reason why those types of items should not be shared. For a few years now my son has been wearing contacts, I finally grew tired of buying new glasses after the 3rd pair was “accidentally” broken at mom’s house over the weekend and just went the contact route (my ex-wife’s suggestion, lobbying on behalf of our son). On the advice of the optometrist, we went with daily, disposable contact lenses (not cheap, but recommended for kids to avoid infection, etc from not properly cleaning the reusable ones).  On the days that she would pick the children up after work for "her time" with the kids, my son will rifle through the bathroom and take a supply of contacts with him to mom’s. If he ran short over the weekend, no problem they would just come to Dad’s drug store and he would just come in the house and get more while mom sits in the car and waits. One morning (this was the straw that broke the camel’s back) my son stayed home from school and my ex drove my daughter to school (which BTW is 3 tenths of a mile from my house, i've walked it many times), my daughter comes in and says mom sent me in to get contacts for [her brother]. What am I supposed to say, No? How does that make me look to my daughter? 

So after about three and a half years (partly my fault for letting it go on that long but I didn’t want the kids to see me as the bastard she says I am) of not helping out with the expense of the contacts and repeated, unannounced visits on the weekends by the children walking through the door saying "I just need to get some contacts",  I sent an e-mail to my ex and it goes a little something like this...

To my ex,

I just wanted to give you the information for the eye doctor and let you know that I will no longer be supplying contacts for your house.   They typically have them in stock so you shouldn't have any trouble getting them before this weekend.  Please do not send either of the children in to get contacts from our house.

Insert eye doctor address and contact info here.

Thank you,

From me

Now I know that is a little curt but what choice do I have? I am trying to take the children out of the middle (see link above sent to me by my ex) and following the advice of a professional family counselor to set boundaries – go straight to the point and be done – do not respond to all of the other b.s. Knowing full well I am going to pay for this(in more ways than one) I awaited her response and boy o boy, ghost writer was on their game. Remember my first blog the introduction? well this is were the batsh!t crazy comes in, please tell me if I'm wrong. Her response...

To me,

In regards to (sons name) and your decree that you will no longer provide him with contacts when he is in my home, I am a little confused.  If memory serves me correctly the last time you submitted a request for my portion of his contact costs I readily provided you with payment.  I am aware that you have not cashed the check I provided you, but that is not for lack of me giving it to you.  It concerns me that you continue to put your son in the middle of these things and have little or no concern for how it affects him.  Especially when I am more than compliant with your requests and have therefore invested in the contacts you are refusing to give him.

That being said I contacted his optometrists office and checked the availability of his prescription as you requested.  Despite your claim that they are readily available,  they are not.  They currently only have one prescription available for him and as I am sure you know he requires a different prescription for each eye.  If you could find it within yourself to provide your son with contacts to last him through this weekend I am sure he would greatly appreciate it.  Beyond this weekend I will ensure that I have contacts at my home available for him.  Please let me know at your earliest convenience whether or not you are willing to provide him with contacts through the weekend so that I am prepared to handle his discontent on my end should you not.  

Thank you

From my ex

Now lets review her claims for just a minute, the claim that she paid is correct but the amount was not. After a year and two months of me providing her with a monthly breakdown of the “shared” expenses along with receipts (per her request), and with a custody hearing a little more than a month away she finally decided to pay for some of the expenses. The list of expenses is not important (they all fall into the categories of medical, school and extra-curriculars agreed to by both parents) but what she did actually pay for was $200.00 out of  the $1,100 that had accumulated. Not sure how she came up with what she was or was not going to pay for but that is what I received.  On the advice of my attorney, I did not cash that check because it is not the full amount and I will bring that to court and let her explain that to the judge. My "claim" that the contacts being readily available was correct, I made sure to ask the doctor before I stated that, they just happened to be out of stock(my luck of course) of one prescription. By sending this "decree" i am trying to take the children out of the middle, I often wonder how it must feel as a child being told by one parent to go into the other parent’s house for the sole purpose of getting something and then leaving.

As far as I am concerned the children should not be made aware of who is paying for what, all my son should know is that no matter where he is, he has contacts. So if he shows any "discontent" it is because he has been told by his mother that I have "refused to give him contacts to take to his mother’s and she has no money and can’t afford to blah blah blah ." Please refer once again to the link above that was sent to me. I will leave you today with yet another picture text sent from my ex to her son...